Recently I received a cancer diagnosis that thankfully is treatable and manageable. However, through this diagnosis a revealing “pandora’s box” of emotions and feelings has flooded over me, and those I share my life with intimately.
The obvious feelings of fear, overwhelm, vulnerability, and sadness were mirrored in my eyes but more so in the eyes of my family and close friends.
It’s a strange word “cancer”. It automatically leads us to mortality. The End. The ultimate daring stare at a last, final something. It sucks us into its tentacles of fear, loss and finality.
Is there only one way to look at this? I deeply believe otherwise.
Human nature and conditioning takes us to the wound. At times over identifying, before it allows us to perhaps personally have the opportunity to reframe or choose a wiser outlook.
I have fleetingly found myself identifying and being lost in the wound of diagnosis, thoughts and feelings.
Yet more importantly, I have shocked myself in my calmness, optimism and belief that there is perhaps “magic” here for me.
I choose to magically play along and explore this notion.
My magic will be translating my tempting unskilled thoughts of limitations into wise curated thoughts of self-compassion and self-evaluation .
My magic will be in my openness to what is unfolding, to let go and release the hold of the “what if…”
My magic will be in the reframe “why not me!”. To be open minded and a willing student in all life’s experiences have to offer. To adopt the “beginners mind” free from others views.
My magic will be the allowance to “feel” the pain that thoughts produce, to release them, and substitute a wiser perspective of my healing and change.
My magic will be to face the concept of an impermanent life and understand that pain and pleasure gloriously coincide. Grace and fear are synchronised. Joy and sorrow conjoined.
My magic will be to consider change and growth as inevitable and wisely chosen.
Recently, I have sat in meditation and realised that my personal fears may not necessarily turn out to be accurate predictions of anything. I have noticed the rhythms of my body, my feelings which are like a waterfall. Flowing but seperate. Finding composure in the knowledge and acceptance of transformation.
The buddha inquires “ Did you ever see a man or woman in this world of 80/90 years old, crooked as a gabled roof, bent down resting on crutches, with broken teeth…and did the thought never occur to you that you too are subject to this?”
Profound, indisputable and an uncomplicated view of the reality of living.
Mark Twain has also been known to state “ My life has been filled with terrible misfortunes — most of which never happened!”
My magic will be in devouring the affirmation of acceptance as the key to less suffering. Allowing imagination for others and understanding that projection is natural but astutely not about me.
My magic will be wholeheartedly believing that my life is preciously and flourishingly shared, supported and loved with mutual appreciation and affection.
My magic will be daringly accepting the invitation to find peace in my own heart amidst this change, find courage to ride the wave and learn to surf…(my husband and brother-in-law will be elated with these last words).